my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
