they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
