I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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