Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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