When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize