Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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