if you like me you must not know who I am
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
