Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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