I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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