He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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