i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
