why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
