i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Randomize
