i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
