farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
