Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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