i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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