when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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