I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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