He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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