i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
