my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize
