this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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