you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
