Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
