so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
