you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
