Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
