I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
