You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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