You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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