you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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