Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Even my vagina gasped.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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