i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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