Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
