woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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