If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
