chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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