i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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