i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
