the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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