So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You need a sexual gate keeper
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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