Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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