if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
