Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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