I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
