True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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