he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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