it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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