im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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