Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How does it feel to date your dad?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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