not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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