Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
