I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
