not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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