Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
