Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
