Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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