i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
