I just made out with a guy for $7.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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