i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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