I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
