you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
