We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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