i jhust puked up my retainher.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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