Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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