Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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