U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
