3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
