The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
