Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
