You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
