Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
