I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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